****Disclaimer: this article is JOKE. It’s not satire, it’s really just a result of an over active imagination and somebody who has too much time on their hands. It was first published in The Cricket Sadist’ Quaterly – you should definitely buy this magazine****
South Africa is a lovely country, we have a rich history and a very diverse history. The sad thing is that there are still people who are very much set in their ways, in fact, most of the older generation are very set in their ways and their cultures.
Afrikaans is probably one of the brashest of all cultures in South Africa. It’s one of eating raw, dried meat, drinking beer and beating your chest when your rugby team scores. Also important is slapping your ‘chinas’ (affectionate term for friends) on their backs, bums, face, wherever you wish. The biggest taboo of being an Afrikaaner is being vegetarian, the second is being homosexual.
If certain Test Match Sofians are to be believed, then the whole entire South African team is gay and it’s not just AB de Villiers who recently came out in his music video. Apparently the last straight cricketer we had was Brian MacMillian.
I have a number of gay friends and I love them all dearly, in fact, I would say that a gay man scorned is worse and more fierce than a woman scorned which makes it evident that the South African cricket team could not be gay. They just do not have the competitive drive that some gay men do.
However, let’s take a hypothetical look and just what kind of gay men the South African team would be if they were to come out. This is set in the future, 20 years from now.
Graeme Smith: Small and rotund, shy gay man who has to fight for the limelight with all the other smooth talkers. Talks with his hands a lot, stares a lot. Has kept all his hair thanks to his Advanced Hair Studio contract but is greying severely.
Ab de Villiers: the hero of the lot, the one who revolutionized the coming out business. Not just for cricketers but also for Afrikaaners.
Albie Morkel: Timid and also very shy. Doesn’t really like the attention and definitely won’t ever make the first move. Loves shoes and fashion. Blogs about it and presents Albie’s Attire on the 4pm radio show.
Alviro Petersen: Ripped as hell, even at his age and the ultimate man beef which all the other men want. He had his heart broken by his ex boyfriend, though, and has been single since. Many have tried to soften him up but failed.
Dale Steyn: The only one who is happily married. Met a Spanish writer while on tour in England and fell in love. Been together for 15 years now and have two adopted children as well as a Border Collie and a Parrot called Pete.
Hashim Amla: The beard is gone and an afro has been grown. Wears only bell bottom pants with clogs and floral shirts. Runs an antique furniture store with his partner of six years. Rumoured that he will pop the question while on a horse carriage ride through Cape Town.
Jacques Kallis: Hair dresser. Following in AB’s footsteps, Jacques realized that he was never going to score a double ton but he could cut 200 heads of hair fairly quickly (edit: he has now scored that double ton and it felt so good that he wanted to keep doing it). Owns a salon in Newlands, Cape Town. Very popular salon amongst cricketers.
JP Duminy: Fashion designer with a penchant for blinging up his designs. Designs beautiful evening gowns, studded in diamonds and gold. Jet sets across the world in his own private jet while attending fashion shows. Has grown hair but only on the side of his head. Lots of greys and compliments his silver fox locks with thick-framed black glasses.
Lonwabo Tsostobe: Real estate mogul who is known as South Africa’s Donald Trump and who is considering running for president to become South Africa’s first gay black president but not the first gay president. Viva, Lopsy!
Mark Boucher: successful wine maker, good friends with Kevin Pietersen, rumoured to have broken up KP’s marriage.
Roelof van der Merwe: Runs a restaurant which specializes in Afrikaans cuisine. That means it doesn’t serve any vegetables, only meat, beer and brandy.
Paul Harris: Porn director. Very successful with titles such as You Spin Me Right Round Baby 1,2,3,4 and Turn It Like You Mean It 3,4,5,6. Winner of numerous awards for his work in directing tasteful porn and finally turning something.
Morne Morkel: Cabaret singer. His stage personality, Meredith, is a hit and she loves dressing in fishnets and feathers. Think Marilyn Monroe, circa 1940s. Bringing out his own range of make up and perfume soon.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
hahahaha brilliant top work.
Paul Harris director of porno movie, haha with his gayish mustache he does look like that. I haven’t seen directors but if we can imagine they would be like Harro for sure haha. Also, as Harsha Bhogle put in his commentary somewhere, something like ‘It’s very interesting to see how SA wears their team jersey. They all look like wearing one or two number less than their own size”. Now, we know who wears small skin tight stuff all the time! hahaha
And by the way being vegetarian is not a taboo, dude, you need to know your anatomy. We don’t have stomach, Gi-tract like carnivores and we don’t even drink water/liquid like carnivores. Have you seen Tiger sipping water or licking with tongue? When is the last time your dog sip water? When is the last time you drank water just licking it? Now check Deer, Elephants, Hippos drinking water? They don’t lick it, do they? Even our canines aren’t well established, because we would be unable to speak if our canines were like carnivores! Would we?
I tell you what’s taboo, eating ShitDonald ShittFC’ s junk everyday, even-though knowing it’s poison, because ppl are unable to afford or ‘know’ healthy food due to corporate marketing w***s, that’s taboo.
I think you misunderstand. It’s a taboo/weird thing to do if you are Afrikaans
I know I just wait for opportunity the ‘key word’ and so i can puke my knowledge, and I don’t want to know what Afrikaans eat.
hahhaa I just try to convert everyone into me. 