Day five will go as follows

Play will start on time with dark clouds looming above. Everybody will talk about the possibility of rain but that won’t matter because we’ll be so excited about the prospect of another epic day five.

Mitchell Johnson will manage to frustrate the Indian bowlers for some time. No more than he usually frustrates those who find him annoying but a lot less than he frustrated South Africa during Australia’s tour here last year.

The tail will squeeze out 50-or-so more runs. Pragyan Ojha will take a five-for. I’ll rejoice and go on and on about how hot he is. I’ll write a whole blog post about how hot he is.

Murali Vijay and Virender Sehwag will start off briskly, scoring a quick 50 runs before tea. Australia will start to panic.

After lunch, Sehwag will fall and Dravid will score 5 runs off about 10 overs. He’ll lose his wicket. Sachin Tendulkar will walk and all Indians will rejoice. He’ll score rapidly, well supported by Vijay. Pujara will go for a duck. Raina will score three. Tendulkar will start a solid partnership with Dhoni. They will continue to score, taking India to around 170. Then it’ll be tea.

During the tea break, dark, thunderous clouds will start to roll in. Ravi Shashtri will say something stupid. Something about the dark, thunderous clouds rolling in and how it can cause rain and how that won’t be good for India.

After tea, the players will walk out to the middle and the score board will tick away. Then thunder. Then rain. The players will go off and Shashtri will say something about the rain again and how this will mean that India will draw the Test match, but win the series. More rain. More thunder.

Play will be abandoned due to rain because Mother Nature is a cruel, sadistic, biatch. Everybody will talk about how awesome Pragyan Ojha was. And how awesome Sachin Tendulkar always will be.

Everybody else will talk about how terrible Test cricket is because, goodness me, how can you play cricket for five days and nobody wins?

But there is a winner, India. India win because, once again, they will send Ricky Ponting back home empty handed and low on confidence. The ODI series will be a different kettle of fish but it’s the Test series that really mattered because, when you look at Australia’s performance, it’s easy to see that Australia will have their work cut out for them ahead of the Ashes and England media will be all talk about their dismal display.

England winning the Ashes in Australia? Please god, if your name is Sachin, don’t let it be so….