I am from Lord’s and I am your god, cricket, brought to you out of the land of England, out of the house of beer. Do not have any other sports before me.
You shall not follow other sports that bear similarities to me whether it is in the form of baseball or rouders, or any other sport that involve sticks and balls.
You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, cricket am a jealous God, who’ll strike with the wrath of Jeff Tomson and Shoaib Akthar punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me.
However, I’ll show steadfast love and bring incredible amounts of glorious frustration to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments. Especially those who follow me regardless of the ungodly time difference between normal cricket watching communities and Oceania.
You shall not use the appeal in vain. For the umpire will fine those who misuse the appeal.
Remember the one day international and keep it holy unless you are playing Test cricket. Because then, for five days you shall labour and annoy fans when the Test ends in a draw. When the Test is drawn, you shall sigh collectively and talk about how it was hard fought but how it was all in honour of Lord’s.
The sixth day is the Sabbath. Here you may not do any cheering or talking, instead, you must nurse your hangover and blog about what could have done better. You are allowed to rue the loss or the poor decisions made by the umpire.
For 427 balls Brian Lara amassed 501 runs and then he rested. Therefore, your cheering cannot go for longer than these five days. Consider the Sabbath blessed, just like Lara blessed us with his glorious stroke play.
Honor WG Grace, Virender Sehwag, Sachin Tendulkar, Brian Lara and Don Bradman so that your cricket watching days may be filled with the delight of knowing you will never be as good as them and you are blessed to have lived to see them play.
You shall not kill or murder, no matter how poor the umpire’s decision is.
You shall not accept money offered to you by bookmakers, no matter how big the reward.
You shall steal a single whenever you can.
You shall walk when you knicked it.
You shall not covet for the rain to stop, not even when your team is winning. For there is cricket in heaven and there is rain too.
Together in cricket, amen.